'The Bachelor' Recap, Episode 2: Brides, Breasts, and Breakups

This week's episode starts with insane ramblings from the women about how much they miss Nick.

They just met him, but sure.

Rachel, the attorney who got the first impression rose in the first episode says she wants the chance to "make great first impressions".

Plural.

She's not alone; the rest of the lone rangers (plural) that are the women competing for Nick's heart are anxious to get some time with him as well.

Luckily for them, Chris Harrison, (DON'T FORGET, HE HOSTS THE SHOW) drops by the mansion to let the women know there will be two group dates and a one-on-one date this week. Harrison explains that as there are so many of them, not everyone will get a date this week. He advises those who do get dates to take advantage of the time they have with Nick.

The first date is a group date for Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth W.. They're whisked away for a classic first date.

No, not dinner and a movie.

A bridal photoshoot.

The women are assigned different bride and bridesmaid roles and given costumes by photographer Franco Lacosta. Franco Lacosta explains that the woman who has the most chemistry with Nick in the photos gets a prize

Franco Lacosta is one of those people who needs to be referred to by both names. Franco Lacosta is beauty. Franco Lacosta is life.

The women get into their costumes and into their characters, each trying to out-sexy the other.

Dolphexis (no longer dressed as a Shark/Dolphin, but who will nonetheless remain Dolphexis in our hearts and minds) is given a new costume to wear. That of a shotgun bride, baby bump and all.

When last season of The Bachelorette ended, I thought I was never going to know true love again. At least not like the true love I felt for Chad, the sweet-potato-eating, whistling juice-head villain competing for JoJo's heart. But here we are, and I know love again.

Her name is Corinne.

Corinne starts to play mind games with Taylor as she's getting dressed as a swimwear bride (that's a thing), saying she's going to kiss Nick again. And Taylor knows mind games: She's a therapist, and in my opinion, a crazy person.

“I think it was very specific to say in front of me,” says Taylor. “Because I think I’ve been pretty confident in my connection with [Nick] thus far. And that was very much an attempt to, like, psych me out—and that’s something I don’t appreciate.”

Corinne is talking about how hot she looks when Brittany walks in.

Brittany will be Eve to Nick's Adam in that classic bridal story, The Garden of Eden. So she enters the room topless in nothing but a bikini bottom made of leaves.

Corinne is pissed because she is supposed to be the sexy one. “I feel like she looks so cute in the topless outfit," she says. "She better not steal my thunder.”

Ugh, how dare Brittany be so rude!?

When everyone is ready, they all head down to meet Nick for the shoot.

First up, Nick and Sarah have a Vegas wedding show—during which Nick shows us he thinks you get down on one knee during a wedding.

Just like I assume he does in all things, Franco Lacosta makes things better. He gives Nick and Sarah directions like, “Who’s been naughty in Las Vegas? Somebody needs a little spanking.”

Classic Franco Lacosta.

Next, Dolphexis joins Nick for their shotgun wedding—now complete with real shotgun.

“Wow, you brought a gun; good for you!” says Nick, like it's a normal thing to say.

At Franco Lacosta's genius urging, Nick gets between Alexis' legs for the classic "deliver the baby" bridal photo.

A perfectly normal first date.

The next wedding is for the women it's obvious don't have a chance of winning Nick's heart. They get a chance at some screen time by playing bridesmaids. Jasmine, who seems unaware she's not going to win, decides to start the kissing.

Bridesmaids are kissing Nick.

Brides are kissing Nick.

Though they don't show it, I'm fairly certain Franco Lacosta kissed Nick.

Danielle kisses Nick.

Lacey kisses Nick and says, "Tastes like Danielle."

It's a kissing free-for-all being watched by a large group of jealous women. Classic Bachelor.

Dressed in a frou-frou princess ballgown—perfectly normal, emotionally mature, unbothered by Corinne's shit—Taylor is instructed to tell Nick how she feels. Because she's so perfectly normal and emotionally mature, despite having only met Nick yesterday, Taylor tells him she's starting to like him a lot.

Franco Lacosta tells them to kiss because, "I know you from before time.”

Franco Lacosta is a god among men. Which brings us to the Adam and Eve wedding.

Corinne complains about not getting the role, because that outfit is "more her".

I like the idea a pair of underwear is an outfit that is "more" anything.

I also like Nick in his leaf underwear. I'm fairly certain he owned these before the season and insisted on them getting written into a date.

All the ladies (minus Corinne, who's still stewing) cheer Brittany on. Jasmine says she deserves props for being game enough to do the shoot.

But back to Corinne. Her pool photoshoot is next and she decides to really up the ante.

In the pool, she takes off her top and tells Nick to "Janet Jackson it". By which she of course means she wants Nick to grab what she calls her "bare bosoms". On their first date in front of a large group of other women he's dating. Classic Bachelor.

Franco Lacosta is but a man, so he chooses Corinne as the winner because she was daring enough to take her clothes off. Nick and Corinne, now dressed in a more traditional gown and what she calls her "Nick Veil", drive off for some alone time.

That night, Corinne brags a bit. “Nick held my boobs today," she says. "He held my boobs, okay? No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will.”

It must have been quite a hold.

When the "Can-I-steal-you-for-a-second" portion of the night begins, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside. She tells him she feels something for him with her "whole heart".

He responds by telling her she's sexy.

Raven tells Nick about the time she walked in on her boyfriend cheating on her. Nick says he can relate, but she takes the moment and ruins it in the most delightful way.

“I’m not calling you an asshole, but I’m attracted to assholes because they speak their mind,” she tells him.

Swoon.

Next, Nick spends some time with Dolphexis. Before they can really talk, Corinne (who is pretty hammered by this point) steals him away.

“Obviously, my time is most important,” Corinne says, reminding us of that time in the first episode when she shared that she still has a nanny.

After a bit more making out, she returns to the group and tells them her nipple might have been out the entire time she was talking to Nick.

What would her nanny think?

Taylor and Nick start to talk about her psychology degree. But once again Corinne needs to get in there, because she can't leave Nick without saying good night.

Say what you will about Corinne, she definitely has good manners.

Taylor is not having it though. She returns, and according to Corinne, "re-interrupts her".

Corinne is shocked at Taylor's rudeness, and insists her own interruption was “very classy and not directed toward ‘a character'".

I love Corinne's drunken admission that she's playing a character. So refreshing.

Taylor continues her super-boring conversation with Nick, and then we finally regroup for the date rose.

It goes to Corinne, probably because she's playing her character so well. She says her father would be proud of her (no mention of the nanny).

The next day, Nick and Danielle M. go on a one-on-one date.

While they're off on the world's most boring helicopter ride to the world's most boring date on a yacht in Newport Beach, CA, Liz informs Christen she and Nick have slept together.

Christen promises to never tell anyone.

Spoiler: she tells someone.

But back to Nick and Danielle M. After enjoying the yacht's hot tub, they head out to dinner.

Danielle tells Nick she's been engaged before, to a man she didn't know was an addict until she found him post-overdose. She explains she's been scared to tell the story, because she's only ever dated guys who ran after hearing it.

Nick doesn't run. He gives her the date rose, they head to the ferris wheel (which is moving way too fast), and kiss.

The next day Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz head to Hollywood for their group date.

They meet Nick at the Museum of Broken Relationships, which makes sense. Because what better way to begin a relationship that's very likely to end than by looking at other failed relationships?

The museum displays relics of lost love, including one from Nick: the engagement ring he got for Kaitlyn.

He tells the women that it now makes him think of one adjective: Hope.

That's a noun. But if Nick and Kaitlyn had a "relationship", anything's possible.

During the tour the group is interrupted by two actors playing out a breakup. This is exactly what the ladies will do in a live program for museum visitors, appropriately called "The Art of the Breakup".

Astrid goes first and pretends to break up with Nick because he's dating her and all of her friends. Kristina follows up with a reminder she's a dental hygienist.

Christen lets us in a little too much on her body issues when she fake-accuses Nick of calling her fat. But it's nothing in comparison to Josephine who physically slaps Nick and dumps him because he's an alcoholic.

Fun date.

Which brings us to Liz, who decides now is the time to bring up her and Nick's shared history. I have no notes from this section because I physically put my head in the couch from second-hand embarrassment.

I didn't see Liz. But I heard her go into the details of how she wished Nick had fought for her when she refused to give him her number.

You know what, Liz? No. The guy respected your wishes. That's a good thing. Stop it.

Thankfully that's it for the Museum of Broken Relationships.

Later that night, Nick starts talking with the girls one-on-one. We learn that Jaimi previously dated a girl, and that Christen can't keep a secret because she tells him everything Liz said.

Nick takes Liz aside to ask he why she's really there. She claims she didn't reach out after their night together because he was busy, and she hates talking on the phone.

Nick, hearing the collective sighs of America, cuts her off and tells her it's not going to work.

He walks her out, and heads back to fill the other women in on his and Liz's history. And BAM.

TO BE CONTINUED

We have to wait a week to see how the women react to the news. But we do get to learn that this very day is the one-year birthday of Dolphlexis' fake boobs. So you know, there is still beauty in the world.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8pm on ABC. In the meantime, you can read the rest of our recaps of The Bachelor here.