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PHOTO: ABC

'The Bachelor' Recap, Episode 5: Emotional Intelligency
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by Sara Nachlis
Jan 31, 2017

I've only been a card carrying citizen of The Bachelor nation for two seasons but this is the worst episode I've ever seen.

I hate this episode.

Sure, there were pockets of enjoyment, but on the whole this episode hurt me in my heart of hearts.

Why?

Taylor and Corinne.

Stop trying to make this a thing ABC. LET IT DIE.

Last week's "to be continued" picked up with Taylor and Corinne arguing over the definition of "emotional intelligence".

Corinne says she's had enough of Taylor being condescending and calling her dumb, two things Taylor insists she isn't doing.

Spoiler: she is.

Corinne, being the Donald Trump-esque figure that she is, starts manipulating everyone and everything around her to fit her purpose. First, she tells Taylor that that the other women all think she's rude and that no one likes her. She tells her it's normal that she feels so "alone and sad". Taylor says she doesn't but you can already tell she's starting to ask herself, "Do I?"

Then she tells Nick that Taylor is a bully and rude to everyone.

Both those seeds of doubt grow and Corinne and Nick make out as she takes her place as the queen of manipulation.

She's good.

 

 

Corinne declares that she "smacked the shit" out of Taylor with that conversation.

So emotionally intelligent!

At the rose ceremony the girls stand around freezing, waiting to hear their fates.

That seed of doubt Corinne planted in Taylor's mind is not just growing it's festering and her face looks like she's a high school drama student portraying waiting for her SAT scores, and STD test results at the same time.

Kristina, Danielle L, and Raven already have roses, and they're joined by Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Dolphexis, Corinne and Taylor. Which means we say goodbye to Sarah and Astrid.

Hopefully they made it home and didn't freeze to death.

But those tears are soon forgotten as we learn the Nick and the ladies are leaving Wisconsin behind for the Big Easy. The Bachelor is headed to New Orleans.

The first date card arrives and it's for Rachel.

She's excited.

She's nervous and she never gets nervous.

She hasn't been on a date for so long.

She's never felt like this on a date before.

Rachel is like that girl that puts out on the first date but says, "I never do this" even though she always does this. Rachel is me in college.

Rachel and Nick spend the day walking around New Orleans. Meaning they bore me as they shop and eat beignets.

Things start to liven up a little when they dance down the street as part of a second line. They genuinely seem to be enjoying themselves.

Rachel is a delight and is being shaped up nicely to be next season Bachelorette. Seriously if they don't choose her, I'm going to lose my shit.

That night, they have dinner surrounded by Mardi Gras floats which gives the date the super romantic, killer clown vibe I'm sure they were going for.

Rachel tells Nick that she was part of a second line in New Orleans earlier this year for a funeral and it was through that experience that she decided to start taking advantage of the opportunities life throws at her. Including The Bachelor.

For the second time this season Nick and his date talk about how both their parents are still together and how rare that is. Is it? I thought it was about 50/50. But I digress.

Nick asks about Rachel's father, who is a federal judge in Dallas. Nick asks if he'll have to call him sir. The answer is yes. Duh. But this leads Nick into a conversation about how nervous he is to meet the fathers of the women he's dating.

Nick gives Rachel the date rose and tells her that he's "super into" her and they make out near that creepy clown.

Swoon.

The next day Josephine, Kristina, Dolphexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. head out on what is the worst Bachelor date I've ever seen in my young Bachelor life. They go to a haunted house.

Boooooooooo.

They meet Nick at what is supposedly one of the most haunted houses in Louisiana, the Houmas House.

I don't believe in ghosts, but I can appreciate a good scary situation. This is not scary. Sure, the house has that old, spooky look (most likely due to the fact that it was most definitely a plantation at one time), but the guy giving the group the tour's name is Boo.

A kid telling a ghost story around a campfire knows that's not good story telling.

None-the-less, the women act a bit scared. Raven says that if she sees a ghost, she is prepared to "rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus."

Boo explains that the house is haunted by an eight-year-old girl named May who died of yellow fever and searches the house for her favorite doll. That's right, May, not the ghosts of the many slaves that probably died there, but maybe that's me reading too much into this.

Boo shows all the women what they shouldn't touch because it would make May mad, but Jasmine, the only non-believer in the bunch is having none of it and touches May's hat. HOW DARE SHE!?

That night, Nick and the ladies are put through the paces of the worst haunted house ever.

I can't with this.

Using a ouija board, a mirror, and a product placement Beauty and the Beast rose, the ladies ask an eight-year-old ghost who is going home at the next rose ceremony as Boo makes shit all over the house fall down and scare them.

Just make it stop.

I have nothing against people that do believe in ghosts, but if you think this was real, I cannot help you.

While the testing of my patience was happening at the plantation, Corinne and Taylor are back at the hotel preparing for the season's first two-on-one date.

Taylor meditates, smells essential oils, and generally irks me as Corinne takes a bubble bath, orders room service and generally lives what I consider to be an #OprahBestLife.

She just wants people to see her "intelligency". Is "intelligency" a word?"

Back at the Plantation, Nick and Danielle M discuss her falling for him and how they haven't spent much time together since their one-on-one. And he and Danielle L make out a bunch.

As more too-stupid-to-get-into-stuff happens in the house, Raven drops the first love bomb of the season.

Okay she doesn't flat out say 'I love you', but the effect is the same.

She tells him that last week on their one-on-one when he sang "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid was "the moment I fell in love with you."

So, Nick gives the rose to Danielle M.

Ouch.

I still think Raven is going to be the runner up, but oof.

The next day, the day of reckoning begins with Corinne and Taylor taking an awkward car ride to meet Nick in the bayou.

Corinne Trumps herself up again and says she wants to "Make America Corinne Again."

Please make it stop.

Nick, Corinne and Taylor jump on a boat and head into the swamp to go meet a Voodoo priestess. Because when I think ancient cultural practices I think Nick Viall on ABC.

So Corinne, Taylor, and a Voodoo priestess walk into a bar…I mean forest.

According to Taylor, this date is about Nick figuring out if he wants someone with a nanny or a master's degree.

Corinne says it's about him picking her or "big mean swamp monster."

Pass on both.

But that's not mediocre television now is it?

Taylor gets her tarot cards read as Corinne tells Nick Taylor is a bully who "emotionally attacked" her and is just generally the worst. She cries and Nick melts. It's almost inspiring to watch.

The ladies switch places and while Corinne gets her reading and a voodoo doll for good measure, Nick confronts Taylor about what Corinne said.

Though the tarot card reader told Taylor not to engage with the negative person in her life, she can't help it and tells Nick that Corinne didn’t know what…that's right…emotional intelligence…was.

Game, set, match Corinne.

At the end of the date, Nick gives Corinne the rose and leaves Taylor to join the voodoo priestess in a new life.

Nick and Corinne head off into the sunset to go have dinner but Taylor isn't ready to go home yet.

As they start to eat, Taylor drops in to talk to Nick and…

To be continued.

As the commercials came on I contemplated how to tell my editor I never wanted to watch this show again, but thankfully the final clip featured peak Dolphexis and once again I'm a fan.

Dear ABC, more Alexis and Nicholas Cage related story lines, less Corinne and Taylor. Please and thank you.

See you all next week. That is unless May comes to my house and murders me for not believing.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8pm on ABC. In the meantime, you can read the rest of our recaps here.

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