I don't really get Coachella.

Conceptually, I can understand it. It's a three-day music festival in the desert where young people like to wear "bohemian" (jury's still out on whether this term is offensive or not) clothing and experiment with various substances.

My confusion lies in the reason why any person would be motivated to partake in such an activity.

A post shared by Coachella (@coachella) on Apr 15, 2017 at 3:00pm PDT

As a person with a deep concern for proper hydration, an aversion to loud noises, and an easily sunburned scalp, this sort of event is actually hell on earth.

I can't imagine I am the only person who feels this way.

So for myself and all the other heat-sensitive, Coachella-confused ladies out there, here's what I think our version should include:

Napping stations

This is a necessity, as frequent napping yields the most productivity.

Clean pillows and sheets would be provided, as would your choice of Netflix show on your own personal screen, should you require something to fall asleep to.

Plenty of shade

Trees aplenty.

Each attendee would also be handed a bottle of SPF 70+ on their way in.

Sweatpants-only dress code

If your clothes do not contain elastic, you are not allowed in.

Slippers encouraged.

Soft music

Good music, of course; just played at a reasonable volume.

A petting zoo that's just well-mannered dogs

Each visitor would get roughly 30 minutes in their own area filled with whichever breed of dog they find the most adorable.

 

Don't get me wrong; if you're a person who can handle an event like Coachella, more power to you. I'm truly in awe of you.

But personally, I would rather be napping.